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Seven Secrets to a Stress Free Wedding Rehearsal
Even though I
received three ministry degrees, not one of my classes ever taught
me to perform a wedding or lead a wedding rehearsal. I guess that
falls under the “sink or swim” category. This means that the only
way to learn is by doing them. It also means that the learning lab
is the actual wedding and rehearsal. This can be very unfortunate
for the couple and for the minister. Hopefully the minister will
have a good mentor who can show him or her the ropes and walk them
through it.
Fortunately,
my first few weddings did not require me to lead a rehearsal. That
allowed me to focus on finding a good wedding ceremony and a
template that I still use for most of my weddings today. After I
became a Pastor church members needed me to perform weddings for
them in our church. Since it was a small, single staff church, that
meant that I was responsible for scheduling the facility, leading
the rehearsal, and performing the wedding, not to mention meeting
with the couple several times beforehand to discuss the wedding and
for premarital counseling.
Being very
young and naïve when I came to my first wedding rehearsal as a
minister I only expected to rehearse
the ceremony. I thought that would be my only responsibility
other than opening and closing the building. I smile when I think
back on just how young and naïve I was. It was something similar to
a lamb being tossed into a cage of lions. And these were people who
liked me. You see, even though I was only expecting to be
responsible for rehearsing the ceremony, the expectation of the
couple and the family was that I would be in charge of the entire
rehearsal. (This is why I believe every church should have a paid
wedding coordinator who is responsible for coordinating the
facilities, personnel, equipment, clean-up, and leading the
rehearsal. This relieves the Minister of this role and allows him
or her to function as a Minister to the couple instead of an
umpire. This also enables a busy Minister to not attend a rehearsal
when there is schedule conflict. Oh well, live and learn.)
But there are
also other considerations. Where is everybody supposed to stand?
Where do the groom and the groomsmen enter? What order do the
bride’s attendants come in? What music is played for each section
of the processional? In what order does everyone walk out during
the recessional? Who is responsible to get the bridal party lined
up? Where do the parents, step-parents, and grandparents sit during
the wedding?
Another issue
I was not prepared for was how to handle conflict. I know, there
should not be any conflict at a wedding rehearsal. It should be a
day of relaxed joy. However, it is an event that is ripe for
conflict and tension, especially if there has been very little
planning. It is usually attended by the bridal party, the
minister, some extended family and friends of both the bride and the
groom. In other words, there is a wide variety of people with a
wide variety of backgrounds and wedding experiences. There are
multiple personality types involved and some of them love to be in
the spotlight and some of them just get frustrated if it seems like
no one is in control and time is wasting and they are eager to jump
in and take charge to “save the day.” There are hidden landmines of
family secrets and an ever increasing landscape of broken families
with step-parents and half-brothers and sisters who might have
suppressed resentment just waiting to come to the surface. Not
every family is “The Brady Bunch.” Everyone has an opinion. If you
are lucky, no alcohol has been served to anyone prior to this. This
is an environment where anything can happen. We all know of stories
where a mother, step-mother, father, sister, or brother asserted
themselves and ruined what could have been a very pleasant time.
I was
fortunate on this occasion that everyone was patient with me since I
was young and inexperienced and most of them knew me. I was also
fortunate that there were no strong willed people who wanted to
force something on everyone and the community itself was rather
“laid back.” There were a couple of Christian ladies there who were
able to make a few suggestions in a nice and tactful way, and we
were able to get through that rehearsal in about 2 and one
half hours! Everyone still felt very confused about some of
the details but we were all ready to leave. When it was finally
over everyone was exhausted. I got to go home, but they still had
to go to the Rehearsal Dinner, late!
Afterwards I
felt like I had just run a marathon. I was exhausted. Why had no
one told me about this? Why didn’t one of my professors warn me or
teach me? Maybe they did and I just didn’t listen. I knew there
had to be a better way.
I stumbled
through a few more of these and learned more each time so that I
could get the time down to something more endurable for me and for
them. I learned how to head off a few problems ahead of time. I
learned who to listen to and who to ignore. I learned who else
needed to be there. But it was not until I actually began working
with wedding coordinators that I really learned how to conduct an
efficient and well-run rehearsal where everyone left feeling
confident about the wedding day. When I worked with these wedding
coordinators, all of them women, I watched how they worked with the
couples, how they worked with the family, how they led the actual
rehearsal, when they turned it over to the minister to go through
the ceremony, and what they really wanted the minister to do during
the rehearsal (not read the whole ceremony), several different but
beautiful options, and much more.
In short, I
learned their
“system.” I don’t know if any of them would have called it
a “system,” but that is exactly what it was. I worked with
several different coordinators through the years and their “system”
is almost exactly the same. They had just been taught a few of
these things by mentors and by trial and error. I learned by
observing and practicing the techniques they had mastered.
Allow me to
go on record right now and say that I think a good wedding planner
or wedding coordinator is worth her weight in gold! I think every
couple should contract with one even if they are getting married in
their own church. What they save you in time, headaches, trouble,
mistakes, and even vendor costs, will be well worth their fee.
Especially since the average wedding now costs $28,000.00.
However, I know that not everyone can afford to do this or find an
available wedding coordinator. If your church has one, it might be
a good idea to pay them extra to help you coordinate not only the
rehearsal and wedding at that facility, but to also help with some
of the other vendor issues. Just a thought.
Since I often
worked with couples who did not have wedding coordinators and
expected me as the Minister to “make it happen,” I put together my
own “system” based on what I had learned from these seasoned
wedding pros. I call it the
“Wedding Rehearsal Genie.” It is based on the Seven
Secrets of an Amazing Wedding Rehearsal. The “Genie” includes a
tool to meet the needs of each of these “Seven Secrets.” It
even includes an article on
“How to Conduct a Wedding Rehearsal in 30 Minutes or Less.”
I really created this valuable resource to help Ministers, Church
wedding coordinators, hotel wedding coordinators, and Wedding
Planners who are just getting started. I highly recommend it to any
Minister who is called on to fill this role. It is reasonable and
will save you your weight in gold through the years. It is also
indispensible to the couple who is getting married without a wedding
coordinator. It is a tool they could work through together in about
an hour and feel totally confident before their rehearsal. The
couple can then choose an organized friend to help them on the day
of the rehearsal and the wedding to make sure that everyone is in
the right place at the right time.
Let's face
it...people
will spend hundreds of dollars on a dress to wear one time, hundreds
on a cake you they will only eat only one bite from, thousands on a
place to spend the day, hundreds or even thousands on gorgeous
flowers that fade in days, all so their wedding ceremony will be
beautiful and graceful. THE KEY TO MAKING THAT ALL HAPPEN IS A
PRE-PLANNED AND WELL-DIRECTED REHEARSAL. Please do NOT leave it
to chance. No one dreams of seeing their wedding on America’s
Funniest Videos. A small investment in planning and preparation
right now that will make a huge difference in a VERY IMPORTANT AND
MEMORABLE DAY.
Right now, I
want to give you the Seven Secrets to an Amazing Wedding Rehearsal.
Secret
#1 Knowledge
Knowing the Essential Ingredients and Participants in the Wedding
Ceremony. This is what the Wedding Ceremony At-A-Glance
is designed to provide. You must know all the details of this
particular wedding and who is involved in any part of the ceremony.
You must know all of this before the Rehearsal begins! This
great little tool was given to me by a wedding coordinator who has
done more than 900 rehearsals.
Secret #2 Positioning
Knowing exactly where everyone in the Wedding Party is supposed to
stand during the ceremony. This is what you receive in the
Platform Chart. You cannot wait until everyone walks down
the aisle to decide where they are all standing.
Secret #3 Order
Knowing exactly what order the members of the Wedding Party are
supposed to walk into the auditorium and out of the auditorium or
chapel and some suitable options. This is what the
Processional and Recessional Orders provide. Everyone will
be asking you when they are supposed to walk in and who they
follow. It solves so many problems when you can pull out your form
and show them exactly what their place is.
Secret #4 Seating
Knowing exactly where everyone is supposed to be seated during the
Wedding Ceremony whether they were at the rehearsal or not
because not all of the important people in the ceremony are on the
platform. This is what the Seating Chart for the Wedding
Ceremony provides. Couples often get so concerned about
deciding where everyone is supposed to sit at the Rehearsal Dinner
or the Wedding Reception that they often forget about the Wedding
Ceremony itself. Deciding this before the rehearsal is a very
important key to heading off tension and confrontation at the
rehearsal and on the day of the Wedding.
Secret #5 Timing
Someone said Timing is Everything. That is so true in a wedding.
When does the music begin, which music is supposed to be playing and
when, and who is responsible to make that happen? Who is supposed to
light the candles and when? Who is responsible to line up the Bride
and her attendants? The 3-D Wedding Ceremony Chart
describes how to design your own 3-D Chart which you can customize
as needed. This simple chart keeps everyone on the same page during
the actual ceremony.
Secret #6 Procedure
What specific steps do you take before and during your rehearsal to
make things run smoothly, orderly and efficiently. There is a
specific set of steps to take. The article, “How to Conduct a
Rehearsal in 30-Minutes or Less” is the perfect step by step
how to article that will make it a snap. Prior planning is a must.
Secret #7 Instant Access
The person in charge of the Wedding Rehearsal must have
instant access to all of the details of the wedding ceremony
and the wedding party at their fingertips at all times. They must
also have instant access to common wedding information such as where
certain people are to stand or be seated. In addition, they must
have instant access to several options in case the
Bride decides at the last minute to change some detail. If you are a
Wedding Coordinator and have several weddings to do you will need to
keep a file for each one with their specific details. I have
performed about 300 weddings and attended almost that many
rehearsals. Nothing works as efficiently as having a clipboard or
manila folder with the right information in front of you. A PDA
will not work. You need something you can print out, carry with
you, fill in the blanks, and make notes on as needed.
The most
important thing about these seven secrets is that they really do
work. Everyone wants a perfect wedding, but the only way to get
anything close to that is to have a really good rehearsal. No one
can guarantee that you wedding rehearsal will be fun and stress
free, but knowing and following these “secrets” will give you the
very best shot at it.
Whether you
are a couple planning your wedding or a minister or coordinator
looking for some help in conducting a rehearsal. I hope these
insights gained from personal experience will helpful to you. And,
I would encourage you to take a look at my
Wedding Rehearsal Genie and see if it would meet your needs.
Dr. Kelly
Carr, Pastor and Author of
Wedding Vow Kit and the
Wedding Rehearsal Genie.
Pastors,
Ministers, and Wedding Officiates try
www.WeddingIncome.com
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